www.neil.blog memo to myself. do the dumb things i gotta do. touch the puppet head.

note to self: grow a pair.

Tonight I went to the mall with Julia and I got beat up! Some 16 year olds jumped me and I got SERVED

and 4 cops and an ambulance came and all I wanted was a bandaid

and now we have to go to court and testify against these kids. and the cop called me and said they got a full confession on video and the kids admitted to everything so its going to be kind of funny, i bet they’re grounded!

my neck and pride hurts, i’m going to bed!

i smiled all day today
new headphones, comb, underwear, craft stuff, gel pens, worcester tshirt. and a box of girl scout cookies. and it was sunny (sunroof down)
i’m going to make an effort to get my life back on track. i need to get re-motivated. new job? hobbies?
i (still) like this girl and i’m not totally what is happening with that. a certain flock of overactive butterflies aren’t letting me forget it most of the time, either. it’s okay-

everything will be fine :):):):):):)

it’s weird. i don’t know how to handle getting in fights with people/even small arguments. i don’t ever even exchange angry words with anyone. or even slightly pissed-off words with anyone. i’ve never had my personality piss off someone who was already my friend, i thought. maybe i’m just too sensitive. i haven’t been treating my body very good lately- i barely remember friday night (tsam’s, then ?) saturday was strange, saturday night was sad for me but helped slightly by peach schnapps and a certain piece of ceramic. spent today in cambridge with crystalyn buying ugly sweaters by the pound (literally) and watching an amazing Of Montreal performance. i haven’t had enough sleep so i’m extra-emotional, so the occasional Bad Thing really made me feel like shit (nobody’s fault, i guess, but mine).

when i got home my mom gave me a lecture on how i need to stop ‘spending the night’ with underage girls. this cheered me up a little, because apparently my mom thinks i’m having sex. i told her i’m glad she has high hopes for my sexual activity, but i’ve never done anything besides make out with girls. i hope i didn’t let her down by telling her i’m still a virgin (my dad was probably upset to hear this, he was almost convinced that i’m not gay. this revelation may have set us back a few steps).

remember how every time i have a girlfriend and there is some kind of fight or disagreement i don’t know what to do and just break up with her. i don’t have enough conflict in my regular life (so i love other peoples’) and i don’t know how to react when i’m actually involved (or the source). i don’t know how to change this except maybe being more mature.

comment anonymously (or logged in, if you prefer) with one thing you hate about me. this is for self-improvement purposes. don’t tell me how you hate my livejournal entries, because i do too.

Today I woke up and decided I didn’t want to go to school. I got coffee and a croissant and drove to the Worcester library. It was too cold to get out of the car; plus the chairs that they have in that library are really uncomfortable and uninviting. I turned the engine off, put on this jazz and read for about 3 hours. I finished On the Road. Every half hour or so, my car thinks it’s doing me a favor by shutting off the accessory power, which disengages the tape deck and startled me every time.

I was parked in the sun. The wind was howling and rocking my car and every car in the lot. I was waiting for the flag to get ripped off the pole. The trains went by, everyone went by, and it was weird to just be sitting there.

Today was one of the best days in a long time. I did something that makes me happy- namely, nothing. I sat down and read a book and didn’t think about anything for three hours except Dean and Sal.

I think I want to quit college. Well, I know I want to quit college, but I think I’m serious about it. I don’t know why I’m there. I want to work 9-5 and have a small apartment and a cat and a record player and a lot of books and a refrigerator full of orange sherbet. I could have all of this right now. Why am I wasting my time and money working towards a goal that isn’t even really there? I’d be lying to myself if I said I thought I had a future doing anything that I’m studying.

Do you think we’ve all just been pressured to believe that we need to go to college to be happy in life? How important is it, really, to get a degree? The sooner I figure this out, the better, because it’s an expensive thing to be in doubt about.

why did i waste so much time with smirnoff triple black. valuable stomach space that could have been more efficiently filled by some delicious shots. i did something that i thought would make me less upset but i think i just made everything worse

oh, well. at least i did what i needed to

not as drunk as i maybe would have liked; actually, sober except for the inhibitions. everything that has been killing me for the past two months came out all at once and i feel a little- no, a lot less awful, emotionally. at this point it’s not even the outcome that scares me. the scary part is over. what’s rejection? everything is fine the way it is. i just had to know. not like last time! where i never ever found out, even though i knew i guess.

anyhow, that’s not the point. the point is, i think i’m going to throw up, and not from alcohol. come on, i drink smirnoffs.

All jobs aside, I’m in a great mood. Yesterday I was typing and my comma key broke off. Now there’s just a little bump that I have to press, it’s awkward. I called Sony, and they’re going to send someone out here within 5 days to fix it. I’m fucking impressed with that kind of service. Unimpressed with the quality of the part that broke.. but still. No shit, no questions. Anyhow

I’m really happy these past days (two? three?). I don’t remember ever being upset even though I was about 15 minutes ago. Is this good for you? I’m smiling really hard right now

my current mp3 playlist: thicke, tullycraft, shaggy, michael jackson, dexy’s midnight runners, of montreal, THAT NICKELBACK SONG
this is what i listen to every time i’m in my car

no wonder i’m in a good mood.

I’m back to school. Today was the first day I went to all (both) of my classes in about three weeks. I made my first prints in the darkroom. I’m not very good at it, but now I can take as many rolls as I can afford, and develop them myself. This is exciting to me. I’m going to spend Friday there, maybe I can shoot a roll and develop it

I’m excited about things like this. Also about seeing Crystalyn on friday. Maybe we cane rent a movie from Dollar Video, since she made me sign up for an account there.

O HAY GUYS, if you’re free Saturday night, come to Tortilla Sam’s. I figured my birthday would perhaps be a good excuse for a bunch of friends to get together that normally don’t. I didn’t personally invite anybody so shut up. Please come, the party will be raging all night. Maybe. BYOB. Don’t bring me a gift. It’s not even really a birthday party. But maybe I can get some flan with a candle in it.

thank you everyone for your birthday calls/IMs/emails/facebook messages. LOVE

trying to do homework. myspace friendslist mammothpress myspace bbc gmail facebook ebay slashdot ebay reuters last.fm toothpastefordinner superficial overheardinnewyork gmail friendslist del.icio.us dslreports slashdot wikipedia wikipedia wikipedia pitchfork gmail wikipedia somethingawful friendslist okay, i’m really going to do homework now. wait, gmail. i’m worried that there actually might be something wrong with me.

i’m going to get a typewriter and clear off the table in my room so i can do homework without being distracted. does anyone want to buy two numark DJ turntables with cartridges? i want a phonograph with an automatic arm. and i need the space. i need a less cluttered setup in here. more and more i realize every day that i need to work less and spend more time with friends.

coming this month:
3/4 ted leo
3/5 of montreal
3/6 jonah matranga
3/9 boy least likely to
3/18 reggie
3/31: eisley is playing at the Paradise, but Hit the Lights is playing at my school so I’ll probably go to that.

the comma popped off my keyboard, all i need is a new key but i’m not sure where to find one. i hope circuit city will acommodate me; i got the extended warranty. i don’t even care if it’s a comma. i’m rambling again.

i’m 19 now; i cleaned my room in celebration. my mom is going to make me ice cream cake.

i’m saving money, i think. i have a lot of bills due, but i’ve been spending less and putting entire checks in the bank. i owe my car insurance bill this week, and next month i owe worcester state another $350. this is so hard.

maureen wants me to move to new york (manhattan?) with her. for a few minutes i had myself convinced that this would be a good idea. but no, it’s not. i can’t leave now, there are too many people that i would miss.