why did i waste so much time with smirnoff triple black. valuable stomach space that could have been more efficiently filled by some delicious shots. i did something that i thought would make me less upset but i think i just made everything worse
oh, well. at least i did what i needed to
not as drunk as i maybe would have liked; actually, sober except for the inhibitions. everything that has been killing me for the past two months came out all at once and i feel a little- no, a lot less awful, emotionally. at this point it’s not even the outcome that scares me. the scary part is over. what’s rejection? everything is fine the way it is. i just had to know. not like last time! where i never ever found out, even though i knew i guess.
anyhow, that’s not the point. the point is, i think i’m going to throw up, and not from alcohol. come on, i drink smirnoffs.
All jobs aside, I’m in a great mood. Yesterday I was typing and my comma key broke off. Now there’s just a little bump that I have to press, it’s awkward. I called Sony, and they’re going to send someone out here within 5 days to fix it. I’m fucking impressed with that kind of service. Unimpressed with the quality of the part that broke.. but still. No shit, no questions. Anyhow
I’m really happy these past days (two? three?). I don’t remember ever being upset even though I was about 15 minutes ago. Is this good for you? I’m smiling really hard right now
my current mp3 playlist: thicke, tullycraft, shaggy, michael jackson, dexy’s midnight runners, of montreal, THAT NICKELBACK SONG
this is what i listen to every time i’m in my car
no wonder i’m in a good mood.
I’m back to school. Today was the first day I went to all (both) of my classes in about three weeks. I made my first prints in the darkroom. I’m not very good at it, but now I can take as many rolls as I can afford, and develop them myself. This is exciting to me. I’m going to spend Friday there, maybe I can shoot a roll and develop it
I’m excited about things like this. Also about seeing Crystalyn on friday. Maybe we cane rent a movie from Dollar Video, since she made me sign up for an account there.
O HAY GUYS, if you’re free Saturday night, come to Tortilla Sam’s. I figured my birthday would perhaps be a good excuse for a bunch of friends to get together that normally don’t. I didn’t personally invite anybody so shut up. Please come, the party will be raging all night. Maybe. BYOB. Don’t bring me a gift. It’s not even really a birthday party. But maybe I can get some flan with a candle in it.
thank you everyone for your birthday calls/IMs/emails/facebook messages. LOVE
trying to do homework. myspace friendslist mammothpress myspace bbc gmail facebook ebay slashdot ebay reuters last.fm toothpastefordinner superficial overheardinnewyork gmail friendslist del.icio.us dslreports slashdot wikipedia wikipedia wikipedia pitchfork gmail wikipedia somethingawful friendslist okay, i’m really going to do homework now. wait, gmail. i’m worried that there actually might be something wrong with me.
i’m going to get a typewriter and clear off the table in my room so i can do homework without being distracted. does anyone want to buy two numark DJ turntables with cartridges? i want a phonograph with an automatic arm. and i need the space. i need a less cluttered setup in here. more and more i realize every day that i need to work less and spend more time with friends.
coming this month:
3/4 ted leo
3/5 of montreal
3/6 jonah matranga
3/9 boy least likely to
3/18 reggie
3/31: eisley is playing at the Paradise, but Hit the Lights is playing at my school so I’ll probably go to that.
the comma popped off my keyboard, all i need is a new key but i’m not sure where to find one. i hope circuit city will acommodate me; i got the extended warranty. i don’t even care if it’s a comma. i’m rambling again.
i’m 19 now; i cleaned my room in celebration. my mom is going to make me ice cream cake.
i’m saving money, i think. i have a lot of bills due, but i’ve been spending less and putting entire checks in the bank. i owe my car insurance bill this week, and next month i owe worcester state another $350. this is so hard.
maureen wants me to move to new york (manhattan?) with her. for a few minutes i had myself convinced that this would be a good idea. but no, it’s not. i can’t leave now, there are too many people that i would miss.
I HAVE DRY SKIN AND I HATE IT
Please recommend your favorite non-oily facial moisturizer. Thank you.
I found out that you’re supposed to take Intro to Philosophy before you take Philosophy of Science. THAT’S why I don’t know what’s going on. Yep.
I’ll spare you the stream-of-consciousness rambling this evening. Just help my poor epidermis 🙁
It’s 6am. I didn’t wake up until 3pm yesterday so I’m not incredibly tired. I have work at 2 today and I’m not sure if I’ll wake up.
Today (yesterday?) I woke up sad. I spent the entire day trying to figure it out and to think about reasons I shouldn’t be sad. I do this usually every other day or so. The only thing that really made me happy today was microwaving leftovers and eating them at 1 in the morning in the dark and reading the insightful book Crystalyn lent me. My dad said I should be thankful every time I come home and my key still lets me in the house. “I could change the locks on you any day, you know.” He’s joking, but it’s true. I feel ungrateful for feeling anything but perfect because of all these superficial reasons to be happy. I guess you can surround yourself with as many wonderful people and as many stupid electronic things as you want and still feel empty inside.
What am I missing? I need to do more things. I want to make things. I feel like a waste. I go to sleep and tell myself that tomorrow will be different, that I’ll change, and I never do. I’m putting myself through something that I know I can’t emotionally handle again, and it’s completely ridiculous and I could solve it in 2 minutes if I’d just get over it. This is so silly! It’s 7:23 now and I’m going to sleep.
if you like undressing, please let me find out
or, if you like large intestines, please let me find
please please please let me find out
or if you’re sick of cradling
and dragging around my injuries
you can just say ‘fuck right off,’ it’s better than not knowing
or if you’re just as scared as me, if that’s what it’s about
please let me find out.
Today I had two classes: 930 photography and 130 creative writing. I got to school at 925 and tilted my seat back to rest my eyes for a minute. I didn’t wake up until 145. I probably still could have gone to class, but I hadn’t printed out my assignment yet. I’m really self-conscious about everything I write anyhow. I’m afraid to read aloud.
Nikki and I had lunch at the Living Earth, it was good to catch up and also eat a delicious meal. I have never had a better plate of chicken alfredo, and I have had many plates of said dish. The woman was confused when her tip included a silver dollar.
Ana leaves me the best Myspace comments. If we don’t have a class together next semester I’m quitting school. I hate going to school. People are so hard to talk to. I guess I’m not really shy, it’s just that people there don’t seem like they want more friends.
The only thing worse than a pimply teenager is a pimply adult, which I will soon be if I don’t do something about my greasy hair being in my face all the time. That being said, I am getting a haircut, if not tomorrow then Friday. It needs to be short. Please reply with pictures of cute boy haircuts, or Worcester-area salon suggestions. If you have a good pair of scissors, I will pay you to cut it if you have an idea. Recent picture of my hair behind the cut.
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remember my hair looked like this? i am seriously considering going back to it. |
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this was taken about two weeks ago. i rule. i need a haircut. |
Everything is going to be okay soon. This music is making me smile. I need to take more pictures. Life is flying by! What am I even doing. Sunday morning (before 4pm) is still free if someone wants to hang out. I’m sure I would enjoy your company.
Love, Corneilius.
Another rut. I realized there aren’t enough hours in a day; I’m shortchanging everyone, including myself. Making promises I can’t keep, letting people down. I told myself that this semester would be different. I’m supposed to be a full-time student, not employee. Work got really busy, and it sucks having a job where if I don’t take care of stuff today, it follows me around until I do it. As soon as this busy period is over (3 weeks?) I’m cutting back to 20 hours a week, tops. I don’t have time for homework, and school needs to be my main priority right now.
I’m sorry to everyone that I’ve let down or been delayed on shit recently. The reason I don’t call you is because I just do not have time. There are a lot of friends I’m neglecting, I know who you all are, and you probably know who you are. I’m trying to prioritize the best I can, but I’m terrible at it.
I was stressing over a 2-page philosophy paper. It ended up being 4 when I double-spaced it. I had to play with the margins and spacing to get it to fit into the 3 page maximum. I’m so glad I could do it. I feel like I really proved something to myself.
I’m really behind on school, and work, and things I should have done weeks ago (Mammoth site stuff, car repairs, homework, cleaning my room, there are home-repair projects I’d like to do but I’ll never have time). I haven’t even been snowboarding this season. I’m only writing this entry because I have a mental programming roadblock and I’m trying to work something out.
It’s 4am, I drank a lot of coffee, I’m stupid and I’ll probably just work on this until my 8:30 class. I think if I actually go to sleep around 5, it will be more like a nap. Also I broke out really bad for some reason, I hate the way I look, I feel disgusting and I don’t even want to leave the house.
I also wish I didn’t realize things until after it’s too late.. maybe it’s not. I’ve thought about it a lot. If I really catch myself off-guard, it seems perfect. I’m just terribile at the whole thing, I am too afraid of pulling my usual stunt and being a dick and hurting someone special.
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